I did a radical thing when I moved from California to Washington. I sold everything I owned and drove up with only what fit in my car. For thirty years I was carrying around stuff that was not necessarily adding meaning to my life. In fact, the daunting part of my household goods was how to store or move them. Once I accepted that I would be better off selling everything, I felt a deep sense of liberation and peace. What else I noticed is that now I only want to add things in my life that I absolutely love or need.
I am noticing in my practice the connection between a chaotic home environment and mental health struggles. The frequency is enough that I believe the connection is great enough to consider creating calm in your home will create calm in your head. By chaotic I mean disorganized, cluttered, dirty/messy, a place of conflict (arguments/yelling is one of the most common complaints I hear from my adolescent clients about their home lives). If I told a struggling parent that one way to help their child would be to create a calm and organized home, it would be met with some resistance…the truth is it will.
One way to approach it is to think of our homes as a reflection of our thoughts. When you walk into your home are you feeling a sense of refuge and peace or are you feeling overwhelmed? Take the mundane tasks of housework as a sort of a special medicine if you will. Slowly over time build the habits with your family to make beds as soon as you wake up. I once read that Nelson Mandela made his bed every day while he was imprisoned for 27 years. It helped him feel a sense of peace and structure.
The other critical element in this is creating a place of peace in communication. Take the time to listen to your family, your child, your friends. Suspend the urge to raise voices, press the pause button and breathe a few breathes before you speak. Ask your child about their day, and sit with them as they share. If they don’t want to share, still sit with them. This is an unprecedented time for our adolescents. The rates of suicidal ideation have doubled in the last couple of years. I sit with these youth and listen as they talk, they are begging to be seen and heard. See them. Simple silent nods as they talk, or gentle questions of “how was that for you?” will go a long way.
